I hope that when I wake up in the morning…

 I wake up with you beside me. I hope this is all just a bad dream…. I don’t think you’ve ever had one this bad before. I hurt inside. I didn’t know I would feel this way. 

I didn’t know this camper was too big for only one person, but I already knew time without you is really just a waste of time. Of course this day would come,  but until this moment I pretended it wouldn’t. 

I’ve learned you become acclimated to things that were once overwhelmingly painful. Now those moments you greet like an old friend who’s been with you through thick and thin. I am who I am because of countless moments such as these. 

Thoughts of my former self

White Willow Reception Center

Today I walked from Wasatch Behavioral Health to the bus stop, following google maps and hoping to find a faster way to where I live than the route I have been taking. It brought me here, to White Willow Reception Center. I was married here in the year 2000. 

I can say unequivocally that I was totally in love with the woman I was marrying.  If future me would have visited me that day and told me what lay ahead of me I would have fallen to my knees and wept the bitter tears of remorse. It takes two people to participate in a marriage that disintegrates but I know my role in that was more significant than I knew at the time. 

I ask myself if I would have followed through with the plans that day, and I think I would have. I would have because I would never have believed the future me. I would have because for me, there were some really great times that I would be a part of before it went south. If I had had the foresight to see into the future I think I could have averted the problems that became monumental enough as to become insurmountable. 

Today I looked back with melancholy. I looked back and saw better times, and do so from the darkest period of my life. I done with that things had worked out now because I have accepted what life is. Still, part of me misses the time when I lived with a family and had my children in a home with me. It is with great lamentations I accept the years without them near. That, I can say with certainty, was not a choice that I had. If simmering I learned I must let go and accept as the reality it is. 

You can’t go back  you can never go back. I don’t see rainbows and unicorns in the days and months and years ahead.  I see enduring because I have responsibilities to people I love more than the anguish I feel for the situation I am in.  

That’s his I feel today. It’s how I felt yesterday. I’m sure tomorrow will be the same. It’s not pessimism.  It’s acceptance.